Dr. Philo Drummond

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Dr. Philo Drummond is one of the 13 Original Apostles of the Dobbs (not to be confused with the 13 Prophets of “Bob”). He is a co-founder of the SubGenius Foundation, Inc., along with Rev. Ivan Stang with a little help from Dr. X. He is executive vice president and chief Slack officer for the Church of the SubGenius, executive vice president emeritus for SubGenius Foundation, and religious cult leader and lead rubber chicken fryer at Generic Business Group, Ltd. He was also the first SubGenius of the New Church (1979+ ) to get the OverMan surgery in Dobbstown to open his third nostril.

Dr. Philo Drummond’s background is hotly debated. The Secret Diary of Connie Dobbs with The Gospel According to Philo would seem to imply he was born around 1920, whereas going by the latter alone would make a birth in the early 1930s more likely. The “Cream Pie Scroll”, however, indicates he was born on May 1, 1952. According to the Gospel, the incident where Philo ran the tractor destructively through the woods occurred near a state college, while an interview with Connie Dobbs seems to indicate it was near Misktaonic University and that he destroyed a sacred grove. While the Scroll indicates he received a degree in Necromancy from Miskatonic, the university website does not list such a degree (although this could have been a specialty of Occult Studies).

The contradictions may be intentional. According to Revelation X, one of the Original Apostles said “the brain tapes were erased as soon as the ‘Frop wore off. It helped protect ‘Bob’ in case we were ever interrogated.”

The most authoritative versions include the “The Gospel According to Dr. Philo”, the “Cream Pie Scroll”, and Fun with Dick and Jane and Philo.

Dr. Philo claims to have written “The Gospel According to Philo”, which makes its veracity highly suspicious.

Personal life

(While not stated directly, the Gospel timeline would tend to indicate that Philo was born sometime in the 1920s or early 1930s).

According to the Gospel, Philo knew “Bob” when Philo was between five and 10 years old, but the two boys were not close. “Bob”‘s family were considered “foreigners,” and “Bob” a “normal, pesky neighborhood scamp.” However, many of the kids including Philo believed differently, noticing how authorities, especially teachers, who chastised or punished “Bob” often died under mysterious and horrific circumstances.

“Bob” was sexually precocious, had a group of pals including several who were handicapped in some way, and liked seeing movies at the Haltom Theater. “Bob” and his family lived in a modest home, and the future SlackMaster’s wealthiness was unknown.

Philo and his family moved to Houston, Texas, and Philo did not meet “Bob” again until they attended state college together. Philo had gotten drunk and hijacked a tractor, riding it while tearing up the forest. He was rescued from the police by “Bob”, then a young Grand Master of The Knights of Pythagoras, whom he hadn’t seen since childhood.

At the state college, Philo was dating Connie Marsh. He introduced her to “Bob” at a fraternity party, and promptly lost her to “Bob”. While Philo was very despondent at Connie being with another man, Connie “cheated” on “Bob”, apparently that same day. The two commiserated together.

Career

Sometime in 1957 or later, “Bob” convinced Philo to work with him in insurance brokerage. Both did quite well, especially after “Bob” set fire to an orphanage. “Dobbs and I got a huge percentage; the orphans got a new home, much nicer and safer than the old place; all of them became eligible for assistance; and ‘Bob’ made the news, rescuing the orphans from the burning building.”

Church of the SubGenius

Philo was converted by “Bob” in 1970.

I was crossing a country bridge with “Bob.” There on that bridge, for no reason at all, I suddenly realized, as if in a flash of insight, that not only was “Bob” THE ONE, the SlackMaster, but also that this was my moment – my one chance to save the world from his presence. I knew, then, that I had to either kill him, or follow him blindly for the rest of my days. I could so easily have pushed him off of that bridge to his death in the gorge below! I had the chance!… but I chose instead to give over my life to him, and accept him as my Teacher, as long as he is on my side.

In 1972, “Bob” decided to begin the process of going public with the Church of the SubGenius with Philo as Assistant Overseer. Ivan Stang soon joined them.

Six years later, the Church was ready to publicly launch–but Dobbs insisted Drummond undergo the “OverMan Transformation”. This was done by “the Secret Chiefs of Shambahala: three classic Men in Black….”

They used a cross between a C-clamp and a Möebius strip to squeeze my testicles so hard that my head swelled up enormously. An instant later, when the Xist “demon” suddenly yanked itself out of me, the suction made my face cave in. I wasn’t supposed to end up looking like this; I was supposed to resemble a super-enhanced version of myself – kind of “Bob”-like. But “Bob” was drunk during the ceremony. They were all drunk.

By 1980, the Church was distributing membership documents.

Cream Pie Scroll

Of the “Cream Pie Scroll”, Dr. Philo wrote “That stuff is true” making its veracity highly suspicious.

Personal life

According to the “Cream Pie Scroll”, Philo was born on May Day in 1952 with a rolled up canvas in one hand and a cream pie in the other. The obstetrician wondered how they got in there. He married artist’s model Kaosmic MamaKat two weeks later even though she had yet to be born.

The couple spent their honeymoon at Babylon Daycare Center, but had to be moved to separate cribs after workers caught them sucking on each other’s thumbs.

Philo refused to used a pacifier, and instead teethed on his father’s pipe. This began a lifelong obsession with pipes.

As a child, he made his first television appearance. He was on The Big Willy Show where he demonstrated how to make a painting using nothing but a dark blank canvas and a cream pie (cream pies were a regular prop of Connie Marsh’s character Connie Cream Pies. Connie left the show in 1953 to help J. R. “Bob” Dobbs form the Church of the SubGenius).

Career

Drummond enrolled at Generic Art Institute where he majored in painting religious figures who smoke. He was soon expelled for a cream pie painting created on the dean’s car, especially because the giant pipe he inserted through the front windshield caught the dean’s classic 1928 Porter Touring Car on fire.

Drummond abandoned cream pie painting and instead studied Necromancy at Miskatonic University in Arkham, Massachusetts. While he was there at the same time as vampirologist Dr. Sinister Craven, the two did not study together. “I didn’t know him – I think he was a grade ahead of me. I liked his work, though,” said Drummond.

In 1976, he received what was then the highest student honor of the Department of Necromancy. He was made Keeper of Binky the WonderSkull, synchronistically the skull of one of the original Prophets of “Bob”. This was after the original Church of the SubGenius went defunct in 1975 and the skull was returned to the university after having been stolen as a college prank years before.

Drummond graduated mortis cum laude with a degree in Necromancy in 1977.

However, he became increasing dissatisfied with the undead, and decided to take up drawing. He made his own pencils, but instead of using graphite for pencil lead, he used ash of cremation. His work was well-received, and several of his drawings became a favorite of mortuaries and serial killers.

Church of the SubGenius

In the mid to late 1970s, Philo, Rev. Ivan Stang, and Dr. X learned of the then defunct Church of the SubGenius. The Church had been a small, private church from its July 5, 1953 founding to its dissolution in October of 1975.

In consultation with J. R. “Bob” Dobbs and his wife and church co-founder Connie Dobbs, Drummond and Stang, possibly with X, established the SubGenius Foundation as a corporation. Unlike the original church which was private and had few members, they opened it up to the public. Philo became executive vice president and chief Slack officer for the Church of the SubGenius, executive vice president for the SubGenius Foundation, and primary church receptionist for the annual Cream Pie Toss.

Order of the Pineapple

Drummond, along with Rev. Ivan Stang, was admitted to the Order of the Pineapple in 2023.

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DJ